"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

So I’ve been feeling like this for a grand total of 110days. That is, according to my calculations, approximately 109days too many.
The weird thing is I actually am incapable of expressing how I’m feeling. I just can’t find the words to explain it. My head feels somewhat like a room that has become so overcrowded with people that faces can’t be seen and everyone loses their identity. The thoughts in my head are so numerous that I can no longer distinguish between them. I know the thoughts are there though, as every time I attempt to sort them I’m unable to as there’s no room for the thinking that that would entail. I feel a little sick. And I have no idea why. I’m waiting. For what I’m not quite sure but I definitely am waiting. And it’s the unbearable kind of waiting, the kind where you just want to run and keep running until you have left behind everything and everyone. I get that a lot now. An insatiable desire to run. I never do as I know I’ve no where to run to and even if I could run forever I’d never be rid of what I was trying to lose. If time travel were possible, I know for a fact that I’d do absolutely anything to qualify to test drive the time machine. It’s got to be unhealthy, desiring the past, something you can never have. Ever. Believe me, I know about coveting things that can never be yours. But the past is not just incredibly unlikely to be mine, it’s certifiably impossible. Doesn’t stop me thinking about it though, and wanting it more with every passing moment. Have concluded that human emotions are stupidly irrational. However much I tell myself that I can not go back in time and I need to start focusing on the future it makes no difference. I keep on wishing under my breath that it was this time last year. There’s so much stuff I’d do unbelievably differently. It’s all planned out. I’ve been over it countless times, and never has any one person been more prepared to go back in time and do things the way they should have initially been done. And here come the tears. They held off well today actually. A good 10minutes of thinking about the person I’ve become and the things I’ve done without the blurring of my vision.
Why I can’t just address this issue is beyond me. I’ve tried so many tactics and I am still unable to move on. Resigned myself to the fact that I would just have to get on with my life and take each day as it comes. Yet, quite clearly, this method is not working as am no where near being over him. Herein lies the problem. I obviously can not simply sit back and hope for everything to return to normal. Hence the waiting. I must be responsible for my own mental wellbeing. I must end this everyday torment that is my reality. But how? God only knows. So, inspiration is what I think I am waiting for. Hope it comes quickly.
OK, so am officially weirded out right now. The moods are so changeable I think I accidentally swallowed some Jekyll & Hyde potion. Picked up Tim (yes I did name my laptop) all of 15minutes ago, max, and was distraught. Life wasn’t worth living and if I couldn’t be with S then I might as well just kill myself now. Somebody then deemed it necessary to climb into my brain and flick a lil switch. I actually feel good. Despite all the depressing ramblings only a fraction of a way up the page. This is why I am so bloody confused all of the time. One minute it’s all good and I’m happy- genuinely. The next I break down in tears because I’m not with S and can’t see how I ever will be. Oh good lord- the confusion! Lets just pray these high spirited moments last and eventually out-compete the miserable ones.
Hm, again I have managed to avoid the actual subject and have yet to confront my issues properly. Oh well, there’s plenty of time for depression, right now I refuse to waste this happiness! Plus I’m dancing later this eve, and that always takes my mind off stuff and makes me feel super!
Peace all

Joey~X~